also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
