my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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