If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
