If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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