I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
