My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
