Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
