There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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