I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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