Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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