what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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