Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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