Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
