my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
