It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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