Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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