Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
