Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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