I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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