Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my phone needs a breathalizer
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
