He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
a search helicopter?!
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
