HIV tests are more positive than that guy
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
