the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
