david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
