Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
