he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
