I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
