I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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