you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
