I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just high enough for therapy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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