Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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