That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
