he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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