My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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