Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
