What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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