I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
