I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
