i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
