she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
