So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
