I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
