I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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