apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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