Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
