well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
