you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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