i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
