So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
