At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
