Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
