so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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