I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Randomize
