i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
