i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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